he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
