I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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