Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
