Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s