just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
