the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
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My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
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if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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