I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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