My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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