I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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