two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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