It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
