remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
what day is it and did you see me today?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
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I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
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There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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