Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I want her autograph on my taint
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
