I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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