I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
