Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
