I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
