Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
