I was born with a shot glass in my hand
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
