Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
