I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
