Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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