Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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