Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
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The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
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I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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