you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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