tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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