I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
