Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
