Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
