If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
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either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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