Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
