I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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