You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
