she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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