Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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