what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
soo... how was my night?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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