the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
