Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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