Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
pray to the hookup gods
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
