I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
