i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
