I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
