I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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