Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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