It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
