My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
