I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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