matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I smell like Dick and happiness
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
