someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
