Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
