bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize