You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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