you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
