Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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