gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
