New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
