I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i want to swaddle you in tequila
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
