got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Randomize
