i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
