I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
